As I have often went through and told of many people, yes....it is true! I am a 27+ year PTSD survivor!
[And if you had been living underneath a rock or something....PTSD means POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER!]
Now this is not something a person should take lightly! That is close to 3 decades of me having flashbacks. Some days are clear for me....other days, like this particular one, ARE JUST A SCREAMING CLUTTER!I think I had had literally well over 100, 000 flashbacks in my lifetime so far!
It does end up being a reoccurring thing with me. When I was younger, in my 20s....I had far more flashbacks. But now, as I get older and close to my 40th birthday. My PTSD is almost in clumps! [Like I get it in spurts....from 2 weeks until an entire month and a half is when I have my bouts of PTSD.]
The other day, I had easily 200 to 250 flashbacks. It bombarded me so much, I just wanted to quit and possibly end it all! But somehow....I DIDN'T!
But yeah, it is tough for me. I realize that this is a true disease that I have and can't always control on my own! A lot of people DON'T REALIZE THAT!
They just think I am doing it on purpose! It is the perfect and automatic memory for me. BUT IT SUCKS!!
Because it is usually the horrible and bad memories that plague my mind!
But telling the so-called "normals" about it....they just HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD IT SUCKS! But it is a mental disease! It is really awful certain days for me! I do have "triggers" that set off my PTSD too! Sometimes it is a word or a pictures that'll set the entire thing off! I have A REMARKABLE MEMORY for all of the bad events that I had been put through! And I think it alls tarted when my Mother passed away when I was 14 years old! A TREMENDOUS SHOCK TO MY SYSTEM THEN AND NOW!
I think ABOUT[DOT]COM has the best resources for someone like me and the symptoms that I endure. And it describes in minute details on what I have! An Overview Of PTSD: [link] Flashbacks: [link] Avoidance Symptoms: [link] Dissociation: [link]Emotional Avoidance: [link]
Yes, I have all of this! FLASHBACKS:
When you can literally see the horrible events in your head over and over again! DISSOCIATION:
When the flashbacks become so vivid. You see them AS IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY THERE!
[Which has happened to me so many times, I have lost count in the flashback barrages of it all!] And of course, AVOIDANCE:
Yeah, I really don't like getting out too much if I can handle it! But sometimes, I do try.
I am a recluse now, more then I ever was! And really, I can't help that! I am not really terribly social either! Yeah, I still won't go to Planet Comic-Shows, biased drawing groups in Kansas City, most comic book stores, stuck-up parties, certain stores in town, family cook-outs or even high school reunions!
Because I know if I did....my PTSD would be FULL-BLOWN! [As I could not see myself going back to those dreadful hells anyway!]
Hell, I not even good with phones! I had experienced this at comic book shows before....PTSD's impending dooms! This doom and impending dread that I feel because of the bad memories I endure in the suck-ass KC, Missouri area! [And knowing that I live about 10 minutes away from where the pits of hell that my PTSD started from!]
And if I feel like I was wronged in any way....such as the case with Planet Comicon. My head will just buzz like a damned alarm too about it! And it does that every year too! BECAUSE OF THE WRONGS I KNEW I HAD ENDURED!
It's been the 9th year straight since I even went up there with the Comics Creators Network. [And the next year may be A FULL DECADE!
] And I just heard terrible things about that show anyway! Like it was just an overhyped media-con! [Which don't surprise me at all these days!] To me, it sounds like just another mini-version of Dragon*Con! Another show I just won't attend. The rich take advantage of the stupid and naive in that way. Which is terrible to me. But for me, I was one of the first to see the underlying deceit for what it was back then. And it sure did not help my PTSD anyway in the now![I also suffer this thing called Hypervigilance! It is almost like a haunting PTSD Spider-Sense!]
Yet, in the end, I know I am a PTSD survivor! I had done art for an Eisner nominee and the 2-time Emmy award winning Conan O'Brien! FOR WHICH I NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS!
I am not the villain or the bad guy, as falsehoods or the liars lead folks to believe. I guess I am an outsider to it all these days. I don't need to attend a show after show every single week either! Cause I have to no budget for that sort of thing! [And a lot of these shows are getting to be beauty pageants and clown shows nowadays anyway!]
But I guess, KNOWING
that I suffer from this thing called PTSD, KNOWING
my mind goes off like an alarm at certain suspicions or feelings....I do remain avoidant because that is what the instincts tell me to do these days!
TO ME....It sounds like I didn't miss much with that whole Planet Monopolycon shit since they moved to Bartle Hall! Which also has some terrible parking expenses to boot! [I heard much better things about C2E2! As if it were just a Kansas City pit stop or something just to get to C2E2 or some other better comic book show along the way!] I heard Neal Adams was charging 20 dollars a picture at Planet!?
And when I heard that....I thought it was one of the most bewildering things I had ever heard of! I thought it was outrageous! Cause I have never charged for any sort of autographs or pictures whatsoever! He just started doing that a few years ago! CRAZYNESS!
[Other Eisner winners or nominees would have charged NOTHING
to get a picture in with them! Just the time and the pleasure it took just to meet them!]
In the end, NOBODY
really spoke of this show called Planet. It was like it self-destructed upon itself due to the lies and hype supported by the rich and conceited! It was as if it was overhyped anyway. I lost some so-called friends because of it on certain social networks! But y'know!? If my PTSD went off like that like a full-blown alarm?! THE PROMOTER SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER TO ME ANYWAY!
My mind knew something was wrong from the start....even back then! [From the whole "Let's just lie about Mickmo cause he had some sort of disability!" thing.]
Like I say....I can't apologize for something that was not my fault. I don't apologize for the lies and bad promoter standing by my car about 12 years ago, for false shit that I never did anyway! That was based around falsehood rumors of me and what I went through! And yes....THAT'S PART OF MY PTSD TOO!
It was a set-up of the rich just to get back at me, and I knew that! And yes....I REMEMBER IT ALL TOO WELL!!!
If it got resolved earlier on....then I probably would have never brought it up in the first damned place! But the PTSD just amplifies all of what I had gone through and makes it worse on me!
They call this guy "A Hero"! I call this guy "Appalling and discriminatory towards my health conditions!"
Nobody ever said to me: "Hey Mickmo!? What can we do to make your experiences better!? So as you do not have any bad memories of these things you went through!? Or to make then less then what they were in your psyche!? What can 'WE' do to make it better for you!? How can we improve on the wrongs, and yet, make it more correct for you?"
But guess what?! They never did that!
I'd say to them....Do the research on my disease before you EVER try to judge me again about this!
The stuff is online about this whole PTSD thing I have! Treat me like I am 'something' well in advance and don't be so blind as to what I have as this disease progresses for me. Don't put me down in any sort of way, because of this. Cause my memory of bad things is FOREVER!
And it gets worse for me each and every year as my health decreases! [Because there are a lot of other PTSD survivors just like me who have went through shit!] It is not just a mental thing either! It is also quite physical for me as well! THE RE-LIVING AND TRANSGRESSIONS OF IT ALL!
Yeah, it sucks for me certain days! It is not fun or pleasant at all! I may eventually forgive....BUT I NEVER FORGET!
In a PTSD mindset, EVEN MORE SO!
But again! I HAD TO TELL MY TALE OF THE WORST SCENARIO IN COMIC BOOK SHOWS I HAD EVER BEEN THROUGH!
Being wronged totally sucks! But then you heap PTSD on top of that! THEN IT IS 100 TIMES WORSE!
I go through enough shit as it is now! I don't need to go through any more then what I endure already! PTSD sucks....but still, I AM THE ARMY OF ONE!
And I do what I can!
I had done many comic shows since that wrongful debacle at Planet 2000! And I felt like the THE OTHER SHOWS
treated me right and respectfully! There was no discrimination of me or my creative self in those other places. But I am an exile where I am int he hear and now. Why!? Well, probably because I actually seen it for WHAT IT IS! [Behind the scenes, it was completely different!! And I felt uncomfortable with this, even early on. Planet is AN ACTOR'S FRONT!]
But when I hear from OTHER PEOPLE
that Planet sucked! People that I never knew till now. That is was this overinflated media-con! This "Missouri Outsider" says: "Y'know something!? I TOLD YOU SO!
It's a con alright! THE WRONG KIND OF CON-JOB!
Perhaps I am the REAL HERO!
The one who got stigmatized all of this time for knowing what I knew! The unsung and the downtrodden of the lands! But hell....I KNEW THIS ALREADY!
And they [that particular minority] hated me for it!
Well, I guess THE TRUE PIONEERS
are usually the ones who get shot down the most anyway! I should truly know. FOR I AM ONE OF THEM!!!!!
Yes, I say it again! I AM THE ARMY OF ONE!!! I suppose I always will be, till my dying day....Mickmo